Life After Divorce

How Will You Live After Divorce?

One of the many challenges that makes divorce so complicated is that even while you're dealing with all the crud of the divorce process itself, you must be thinking about how you will get on with a new life for yourself and your children after divorce.

This includes your parenting plan, if you have children. And also if you have children, you've probably already started thinking about child support, whether you're going to be paying it or receiving it. It also includes figuring out what role alimony is going to play, establishing credit for yourself as a single person, and changing your role socially.

There's a handy checklist here on Divorceinfo.com for you to use after your divorce. Click here to see it.

One of the first things I recommend you do, if you haven't already done so, is to think through your budget. If you're like most people emerging from your divorce, you'll realize that what you're planning to spend is more than what you're planning to have coming in. It's painful, but you'll probably have to make some changes in the way you live, at least for the next year or two. The sooner you realize what changes are in store, the less painful those changes will be.

For women, you'll probably need to think through some of the Guy Stuff he's been doing.

After you're finished with your divorce (or maybe even while you're finishing), you may want to check out Divorce Wrap-up to begin moving on with your life. For most of us, that includes a new will. And you may even be ready to think about Dating After Divorce.

If you and your spouse are cooperative (or if money is really tight), you may be considering living together even after your divorce is effective. You may even be thinking about remarrying.

Good God Girl What Are You Thinking

There are people who have good hearts. They are always looking to be helpful and do the right thing. Then there are the people who prey and take advantage of these good people. Many ex husbands do that with their ex wives or vice versa.

I soon learned this past week.. Our daughter just had her 3rd child. While the ex planned on attending and our daughter and older grand kids wanted him there as well. I was grandma taxi. I had to run and pick him up run him many places and my daughter these past few weeks. I had to run for him to work and picking him up for a ride home etc.

Don't get me wrong it was a christian thing to do. However, not once did he pay for gas.I learned last week he used my name and SS number to get Dish TV at his home. Tomorrow I will be meeting with him along with my attorney and his to discuss this item. He wants to have my spouse support reduced. Unreal!!

Here is a man I supported for over 30 years of marriage worked 2 full time jobs at times while he would work only 1 day or not per week.

When I got sick 2 years ago he decided I was of no value to him. The physical abuse and mental abuse increased to the highest level. He currently grosses close to 55K per year and I 20K on SSDI. His spouse support is 500.00 per month which makes my income 26K per year less than 50% of his.

He complains he is unable to live on his income due to the amount of spouse support he pays me. Then he goes and puts his utilities in my name or our daughters name without either of our permissions. Now, I have learned there is a difference between a person needs and wants. I have been very frugal. This is a man that smokes and drinks heavily in fact his is an alcoholic.

Basic math shows the amount he spends on cigarettes,vodka and soda more than covers my 500.00 per month. ( 1.5 pack per day @ $5.00 = $225.00 month. A huge 2 liter bottle of vodka per 1 to 1.5 days @ $17.00 per bottle = aprox $400.00+ per month. Then add in the soda needed to mix with the vodka 2+ liter bottle of Pepsi per day @ $1.50 = $45.00 per month. Totalling just these 3 items $225.00 Cigarettes + $400.00 Vodka + $45.00 Pepsi = $670.00+ per month. Which is more than enough to cover my spouse support.

He gets an annual pay increases from his federal contracted job. The next 2 years I will not receive any increases. The only increase will be in expenses. My medical insurance alone costs over $400.00 per month. He reminds me of a parent who refuses to pay child support for their children.

It tells you alot about a person. This person who took vows for better or worse sickness and health. Who enjoyed all the benefits for 30 years my income provided and supported him and our family. Now when the table is turned and my income went down 75% I was of no value to him. In fact he pointed this out verbally on many occasions that I was worthless to him.

I can say since the separation and divorce of 2 years I am much happier. People tell me all the time they can see it in my face and I am looking great. I must agree! I feel GREAT! There is physical pain each day due to my medical history, but that is small when looking at the emotional and physical pain I was living with while being married.

Looking back.... I say "Good God Girl What Are You Thinking". I knew I could not fix a broken marriage however I knew I could work and take care of myself. People would say how can you do it all? Then the ones closest to me would say they could see breakdown coming and so glad I woke up.

They would say:
"Good God Girl What Are You Thinking."
"Get Out"
"You Know What You Can Do About It."
"When You Are Ready I Will Still Be Your Friend"

Yes, it has taken 2 years to recover from the divorce to a abusive, alcoholic and unfaithful spouse with a hidden life style. While at the same time fighting breast cancer having a double mastectomy with reconstruction. Emotionally and physically I am a better person and I even love myself.

Each time I happen to be in the same room either at a family function etc. I chuckle inside I can see he is so negative and very good at malupation. Of course this is what an addicate does. Each time I get smarter and now being removed from all of it the air is much clearer.

There is not a day without physical muscle pain. Each day I look in the mirror I see the scars from when they cut into my body. But they never cut into my soul. Melissa Etheridge says it correctly "I Run For Life" The physical and mental scars are fading away. The darkness can be anything in your lives including divorce, death, breast cancer, and more.


Melissa Etheridge - I Run For Life:
Melissa Etheridge Lyrics I Run For Life
Lyrics Artist: Melissa Etheridge
Song: I Run For Life
Album: Greatest Hits The Road Less Traveled 2005

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To waken when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

[Chorus]

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

Life After Divorce

By Dr. Phil McGraw

Divorce is a major life change that can leave a person reeling. Suddenly being on your own to deal with issues such as money, children, career changes and downsizing the family home can seem overwhelming. Dr. Phil and Libby Gill, author of the book Traveling Hopefully: How to Lose Your Family Baggage and Jumpstart Your Life offer advice on how to begin to live life after divorce.

If you’re having trouble letting go:

There is life after this marriage
As hard as it is to believe right now, one day this marriage will just be something you did once. You’ll go on and you’ll have what you create.
Get out of denial
Ask yourself: Do you really want this marriage, or are you hanging onto it out of fear? If being alone is a scarier thought than staying in a broken marriage, you’re letting fear make your decisions. Are you mourning the loss of what your marriage was, or what you thought marriage would be?
Don’t burn daylight
Grieving doesn’t have a time frame on it, but life does. Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on. There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, “I’ve got to get on with my life, I’ve got to get on with raising my children, I’ve got to get on with putting things together where I can be a happy, meaningful, productive member of society.” Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.
Take the catastrophic language out of your mind
“My life is over,” “I’ve lost everything,” and “Things are horrible” are labels that can have a powerful impact on how you feel. Recognize that it’s factually not true. Your life isn’t over, it’s just a new beginning for you. Changing the negative tapes that run in your head can change how you physically feel.
Don’t waste time with regret
At some point you have to say, “It is what it is.” You can’t do anything about what you did before; but you can do a lot about what you’re doing now.
Be an example for your children
What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you’re sitting around and crying and looking over your shoulder at what was instead of what is?



You’ve accepted it. Now it’s time to jumpstart your life!



Define a new relationship with your ex for your children
Your old relationship was husband and wife, your new relationship is as common allies of your children.
Talk to your kids
Divorce can create emotional wounds in children. Talk to them about what’s going on, what they’re feeling, and how things will get better. Involve them. If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power.
Make a plan
Assess your situation financially, look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing, job and finances.
Create a support squad
Ask for help. People appreciate being asked for help. It’s a gift to them to allow them to be there for you. Create a support squad of your closest friends who won’t mind providing you with emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration. Realize that you’re not the first person to go through this.
Get your resources and assets around you
Do everything you can to program yourself for success. Find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction. Everybody has a personal truth — what you believe about yourself when nobody’s watching. Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.
Make time for yourself
Make a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for yourself. The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents. Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you’ve forgotten about.
Make your dream home
It’s not the end of the world if you have to change houses. Know that you and your kids are going to create memories there and that’s what makes it a dream home.
Find your authentic self
Although you may no longer be one half of a couple, you are still 100 percent the person who you are. Find that person again.
Find your passion
What is it that will make you excited to get out of bed every day? Make a list of what you can do to reach your goals.
Have some joy with your kids
Choose to live with some fun in your new life. Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.
Protect yourself in the future
It’s important to always look at a relationship and ask yourself, “What’s it costing me to be in this relationship?” If you totally lose yourself in it, then the cost is too high.
Source: www.drphil.com

Life After Divorce My Journey

Life After Divorce

Yes ladies, there is life after a divorce. Maybe its not the life you had envisioned but, it is yours just the same. I look back over the past several months and reflect... For 30 years I was a wife, mother and grandmother. I had been everything to everyone but not someone to myself. I was married to an alcoholic who was abusive. I always thought I could fix it. Over the past several years it had gotten worse. Then back on the cold January, I learned he had a secret life style. And no it was not with another women. Talk about a world crashing at your feet. But at the same time the puzzle pieces where now making sense.

Friends had worried about me for years and stood by my side. They never told me what to do but, said when I was ready they would be there. They knew I had to make the choice for myself or it would not be right, or at the right time. I am sure part of me was in denial for so many years. As I mentioned before as a women/mother we think we can fix anything. But the 1st person to fix is ourselves. I was slowly detaching myself from this marriage. We had made promises and vows to each other. "For better or worse sickness and health." You had dreams of growing old with this person. However, a person you should not be subject to abusive, verbally, emotionally, physically and isolation.This is not a marriage. I seen the promises fade or repeatedly broken. So I knew I had to let him go.

I have reflected some of my months during this journey.

The day/night that changed my world.

I had been to town earlier that day and spoke to my priest. About the discovery of the items I had found regarding his secert life that day. Over the past years, months, weeks and days things had accelerated I was really getting scared. I slept many nights on the sofa or in another room with 1 eye and 1 ear open. I was a mess!

That night he came home about 7:30 PM by 9:30 PM I had confronted him with the discovery of the stuff I found about his secert life. The verbal and physical abuse had begun and he was throwing items at me. He pushed,shoved and was even struck at one time. His drinking had become the worst I had seen. All of a sudden I happened to catch in the corner of my eye a glass dish flying at me. I ducked in time. Don't know where the strength came from but, I went straight to the phone and called 911. The whole time I asked God to watch over my back. I don't even recall dialing the numbers. After making the 911 call I knew there was no turning back now. This was it!

How can I do this? It is scary! I have never been on my own for over 30 years. But I remember I am a strong person and I have choices. The choice I make now over the next few days, weeks, months, and years will change my world and the person I am destined to become.
Where do I start. I'd asked myself. I made lists ,and lists and lists again, of what I needed to get done and how I was going to do it. Trust me I had not slept for about 3 days now.

Ladies this is not my complete. It was my start!

Next morning:

1 Meet with again with priest/minister
2. Find an Attorney
3. File Papers for divorce
4. Close out Joint accounts
5. Contact Utility companies change things over to your name so he can't shut things off on you.
6. He would be out of jail in few days and needed to obtain have an Order for Protection.
7. Meet with a women's advocate the sheriff's office had given to me.
8. Talk with an counselor
9. Schedule a health exam.

I felt my life was becoming a mass of phone calls, tissue boxes, lists everywhereI went and with no sleep. My mind was rambling. I would make Phone calls, and more phone calls to offices to see what I had available to me. I had never done this before. Friends would suggest things to do as well.

Day Two:

1. Meet with attorney and she took my case and my request for Order of Protection.
2. Hearing was in 1 day and he would be arrained and out jail. I was scared and did not want to go to court alone. I had a women's advocate and my attorney by my side.
3. Utilities are secure and changed over to my name so when he got out he could not shut them off on me. It was in the middle of winter.

Day Three:

His arrigement and Order of Protection hearing. I was granted for 6 months. Divorce papers served at same time. I was amazed he agreed to divorce that day and only thing left was to work out finincal details later. I was not expecting to have this happen all in 3 days.


Rest of the Month:

Sorting out stuff:

Where do you begin. You had 30 years of items and memories to sort through. The most obvious was to divide our personal items or things that had been in his or my family. I made the decision I was going to do the right thing here! I found stuff he never had on a list that belong to his family and made sure to include them on a reply list back.

This was not the time to punish, take my anger or hurt out. I had to tell myself I was going to the right thing after all "I was married for 30 years and how would I want this to be remembered. As a wife and mother that destroyed his stuff or took all of it. "NO! " I boxed and moved my personal items, my family items and items I had brought into prior to the marriage.

I split out the dishes, pots and pans, towels, and even food etc. Friends would tell me to take it all!But I knew in my heart by doing it this way I could feel better and know I did the right thing. After all I wanted my life back and I wanted to be alive!

Our daughters are grown and no matter what age your children are it is hard when parents divorce. I never told them everything that had been going on over the years and how the puzzle pieaces where now making sense in our marriage as this was between their father and myself. So in the beginning it was hard and stressful.

Month 2:

Looking for a new place to live. I knew I did not want the house and I need to be able to afford things on my own. Now the never ending search for a new place to live. Once again phone calls, appointments to view and 2nd viewings. The completion of application begins, with all the paperwork. To arrange for new utilities or the transfer of some to a new location with end and start dates.

Back to sorting: By now I had almost everything boxed and marked and tagged. I felt I was living in a maze of boxes with a tiny path around my span of 30 years. I had crossed very emotion possible laughing, crying, angry, denial. I would come across an item or photo or card memories would trail in the good ones and the not so good ones. Each day I kept telling myself this will soon end and I will be in my new place. With new wallsto look at and a new start on my terms!

The Move:

I had a wonderful church and group of friends who pitched in and moved me. I had it all organized so they just needed to load and unload. During the day we had 2 flat tires on the trailer and worried it was going to start to snow or rain. I immediately got on the phone and called family and church and requested a prayer chain.. I did not want anyone hurt with this trailer on the side of the road or injured while changing tires as it was fully loaded. We made it 4 hours later, new tires and on our way.

New Place:

For the 1st time in months I was able to get some good nights sleep. I knew I was SAFE and I was ready to start my new life. That night I had to chuckle. For the first time in 49 years I had a bedroom of my own! Looking back I had always shared with siblings, roommates, or my husband. It may sound so silly but it was amazing!

Future:

Yes, we are still sorting out financial stuff, a few road blocks along the way. I have had some new health challenges during these past months. Cancer being one of them. His attorney withdrew from his case (go figure). But I am very optimistic about all of it. The legal system may take time but it all comes out in the end.

Just this past few weeks after 6 months I was awarded spouse support, possession of some of our property. Don't miss understand there is still some things to work through. Also I received a renewal of my Order of Protection now for 1 year. But I have my life back and feel safe and the rest is just paper stuff to deal with and get through.

From what friends and family tell from time to time my ex is still drinking and will not reach for help. However, he is the only one that can do this for himself. I pray each day he will find the peace to reach and get the help he needs. Remember the first step is letting GO!! Which is what I had discovered and did by letting him go.

New Journey:

Over the past 7 months I have began to live my life on my terms, and surround myself with the type of people I care about and enjoy being around. My family church, and old friends are dear to me , without them in the beginning I wondered where it all was going to end. They listened, offered suggestions and moral support when I asked or needed it.

I have been blessed in the new phase of my life with my friends, family, church, along with expanding my circle of friends. Some are there to hold my head when I have been so sick, take me to my chemo treatments and fix me chicken soup. Others call to chat or stop in for coffee. Some I meet for dinner, take walks together, or share a movie and/or even some quiet time. Some live many miles away or across county but the sound of their friendly voice on the other end of the phone tells me I am surely blessed!

Ladies, take each day one day at a time. It can be a little overwhelming in the beginning. But remember you only need to get through today right now. Have goals. Write them down. Cross them off as you do them small or big.Seeing them in black and write helps and its agreat feeling to cross them off the list!

But remember as others have made a difference in your life extend that to the next person you meet or may need you. Your life will be rewarding 10 times full. DO GOOD ANYWAY!!!

Just don't forget to Dance Along The Way.!!!



A native of the Midwest farm country in Iowa, Marcia Chumbley has lived in a number of locations. She has resided in Chicago, Illinois; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; and Minneapolis, Minnesota., Living in rural and metropolitan areas taught Marcia to always look for the best opportunities each community could offer. She now lives in a rural area of Minnesota that has a small city flare and closeness to the land.

Marcia’s work experiences outside the home include over 30 years in the medical and insurance field in manager, investigator and administrative roles. She has also worked as a contract administrator for a world wide security company. Marcia has work in the corporate world outside of her home and has various home based businesses over the years. She holds a degree in business management and is CMOM certified.Marcia is the founder and publisher of a Christian Work From Moms and Grandparents web site “Faithful Grannies.com”, Work At Home Divas Online for Boomers, Crafters and Stay At Home Moms, and Work At Home Moms Choices-WAHM Choices.com . She is a well known published and featured author through out the internet.