Holidays, No Time for A Self Pity Party

Ladies. the holidays are approaching fast. This time of year can be stressful. It is easy to fall into a ruit and have a self pity party. Please, please have plans. Do not sit at home all day and all alone. Due to divorce this may be the year your children are with your former spouse. So grad yourself by the boot straps and make plans. There are many things you can do to raise your self esteem and self worth.

Here are few ideas or things to do this holiday season.

1. Attend a local food self or kitchens and help serve meals to the homeless etc.

2. Call your best friend and ask if she needs help with her dinner. Being around friends is great and you can never have enough positive people in your life.

3.If you have family close by go to their house. Think of the dollars you would have spent to have a meal at your home and use that for gas money to see your family.

4.Attend a movie. There are so many new movies out and when you attend an afternoon showing is much cheaper than evenings.

5. See what your local church has planned and attend or help with their functions.

As you can see there are many things you can do this holiday season. For myself this year I am going to take the money I would have spent on a Thanksgiving meal and travel to Iowa to see family and friends. Then for Thanksgiving I have a friend who will travel with me and drive to Illinois to my fathers for the holiday weekend.

I feel very good that I took charge and made thiese plans so I am not just sitting around the house doing nothing. Being with friends many times around the holidays are the best medicine a doctor could order.

Enjoy yourself and enjoy your life.

Good God Girl What Are You Thinking

There are people who have good hearts. They are always looking to be helpful and do the right thing. Then there are the people who prey and take advantage of these good people. Many ex husbands do that with their ex wives or vice versa.

I soon learned this past week.. Our daughter just had her 3rd child. While the ex planned on attending and our daughter and older grand kids wanted him there as well. I was grandma taxi. I had to run and pick him up run him many places and my daughter these past few weeks. I had to run for him to work and picking him up for a ride home etc.

Don't get me wrong it was a christian thing to do. However, not once did he pay for gas.I learned last week he used my name and SS number to get Dish TV at his home. Tomorrow I will be meeting with him along with my attorney and his to discuss this item. He wants to have my spouse support reduced. Unreal!!

Here is a man I supported for over 30 years of marriage worked 2 full time jobs at times while he would work only 1 day or not per week.

When I got sick 2 years ago he decided I was of no value to him. The physical abuse and mental abuse increased to the highest level. He currently grosses close to 55K per year and I 20K on SSDI. His spouse support is 500.00 per month which makes my income 26K per year less than 50% of his.

He complains he is unable to live on his income due to the amount of spouse support he pays me. Then he goes and puts his utilities in my name or our daughters name without either of our permissions. Now, I have learned there is a difference between a person needs and wants. I have been very frugal. This is a man that smokes and drinks heavily in fact his is an alcoholic.

Basic math shows the amount he spends on cigarettes,vodka and soda more than covers my 500.00 per month. ( 1.5 pack per day @ $5.00 = $225.00 month. A huge 2 liter bottle of vodka per 1 to 1.5 days @ $17.00 per bottle = aprox $400.00+ per month. Then add in the soda needed to mix with the vodka 2+ liter bottle of Pepsi per day @ $1.50 = $45.00 per month. Totalling just these 3 items $225.00 Cigarettes + $400.00 Vodka + $45.00 Pepsi = $670.00+ per month. Which is more than enough to cover my spouse support.

He gets an annual pay increases from his federal contracted job. The next 2 years I will not receive any increases. The only increase will be in expenses. My medical insurance alone costs over $400.00 per month. He reminds me of a parent who refuses to pay child support for their children.

It tells you alot about a person. This person who took vows for better or worse sickness and health. Who enjoyed all the benefits for 30 years my income provided and supported him and our family. Now when the table is turned and my income went down 75% I was of no value to him. In fact he pointed this out verbally on many occasions that I was worthless to him.

I can say since the separation and divorce of 2 years I am much happier. People tell me all the time they can see it in my face and I am looking great. I must agree! I feel GREAT! There is physical pain each day due to my medical history, but that is small when looking at the emotional and physical pain I was living with while being married.

Looking back.... I say "Good God Girl What Are You Thinking". I knew I could not fix a broken marriage however I knew I could work and take care of myself. People would say how can you do it all? Then the ones closest to me would say they could see breakdown coming and so glad I woke up.

They would say:
"Good God Girl What Are You Thinking."
"Get Out"
"You Know What You Can Do About It."
"When You Are Ready I Will Still Be Your Friend"

Yes, it has taken 2 years to recover from the divorce to a abusive, alcoholic and unfaithful spouse with a hidden life style. While at the same time fighting breast cancer having a double mastectomy with reconstruction. Emotionally and physically I am a better person and I even love myself.

Each time I happen to be in the same room either at a family function etc. I chuckle inside I can see he is so negative and very good at malupation. Of course this is what an addicate does. Each time I get smarter and now being removed from all of it the air is much clearer.

There is not a day without physical muscle pain. Each day I look in the mirror I see the scars from when they cut into my body. But they never cut into my soul. Melissa Etheridge says it correctly "I Run For Life" The physical and mental scars are fading away. The darkness can be anything in your lives including divorce, death, breast cancer, and more.


Melissa Etheridge - I Run For Life:
Melissa Etheridge Lyrics I Run For Life
Lyrics Artist: Melissa Etheridge
Song: I Run For Life
Album: Greatest Hits The Road Less Traveled 2005

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To waken when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

[Chorus]

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

You Are Kidding Me

A crisis may change your life. But it doesn't have to ruin it.

Love.

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Quote For The Day

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

Love Is

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

Happiness

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

Life and Happiness

Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

Love

Forgiveness is the final form of love.

Quote of the Day

Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.

Life

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile!

Maxine and Dirty Dishes

Dishes and Dishwashers.

Quotes For The Day

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

Loved

"I'm Accepted, I'm Blessed, I'm Loved by the Best!"

Post Divorce - Recognizing and Dealing With Untrue Accusations

Shelley Grieser - I am a Christian Life Coach specializing in Broken Marriages/Divorce. I work with people all across the country who are on their journey of recovery from divorce, to empower them to create a future they truly desire.

Going through a divorce is extremely painful. As I walk alongside a good friend of mine who is currently going through a divorce, I am reminded of the additional pain often experienced by hurtful words spoken or exchanged between spouses.

Amazing isn't it when you are on the outside of the situation you can see it so clearly. But when you are in the middle of the situation, on the receiving end of the hurtful words, you can find yourself deeply offended, even when you know the accusations are not true.

For example, my friend's husband has told her on more than one occasion that she is "a worthless human being." My friend is far from worthless. She is a very kind, caring and giving person. Also, she is a hard worker who has helped me with numerous projects around my home through the years. My friend knows she is not a worthless human being, yet to have her husband say that to her is heart breaking.

If you have been through a divorce, maybe you discovered that spouses can say some pretty mean things. For some people, if you reflect back you may realize your spouse had developed a habit of putting you down, with negative, demeaning comments. Over time you can easily start to believe the things that are said to you or about you, even when they are not true

I will never forget during my divorce when my husband and I were meeting with the mediator for our children. We were discussing one of the details for our parenting agreement and my soon to be ex-husband made some demeaning, derogatory comment to me. The mediator very sternly let him know that he was out of line and not to speak to me in that manner. She told him he was being disrespectful and his behavior was unacceptable.

For me, that was a real wake up call. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow! Maybe it's not just me. Someone else believes the way he treats me is disrespectful and unacceptable." It gave me a sense of validation for my feelings.

Since that day, my ex-husband continues to make belittling, critical comments to me in emails and/or in person. Although we have a fairly amicable relationship, the negative comments are still made. I am happy to say that after years of being treated this way, I have learned to brush it off more quickly.

If you experienced damaging, hurtful comments in your marriage, during your divorce or in your present relationship with your former spouse, are you aware of the false accusations? You may be so use to hearing them that you accept them as truth. Recognizing the lies and determining the truth may require help. You may want to speak with a good counselor, therapist, coach or trusted friend to help you sort through the comments made by your former spouse.

Here are a few suggestions for combating false accusations:

Recognize the untrue messages as false accusations.

Don't believe them. Don't allow your former spouse to push your buttons. When the words no longer elicit a response from you, they lose their power.

Replace the lie with a statement of truth. For example let's take my friend's situation. The next time her soon to be ex husband tells her she is a worthless human being, she can stop and say to herself; I am a worthwhile and valuable person. My friends and family love me and care about me.

Be patient with yourself. Realize it can take time to reprogram your response.

Don't take it personally. Understand if your former spouse feels guilty, jealous, angry or insecure about themselves they may speak critically of you to make themselves feel better.

Don't retaliate with the same behavior. Do not repay evil for evil.

If you need to vent, talk to a trusted friend. It is nice to have an understanding friend(s) that will listen to you and let you vent or talk through a situation when needed.

Make the decision to no longer believe the lies. It really does not matter what your former spouse thinks of you or says about you. I know hearing the words can be extremely hurtful and painful. Yet, you know the truth. Be the bigger person and do not partake in the verbal mudslinging.

Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.

Do you dread communicating with your former spouse? Do you cringe every time you have to be in their presence, fearing what snide remark they will throw your way? Do you wonder how you will survive the next number of years having to communicate with your former spouse? If you are interested in reading more about divorce recovery, transitioning from married to single, and rebuilding your life after divorce, then please visit me at: http://www.ahopefilledfuture.com
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1st Wives Club - Post Divorce