Life After Divorce
Yes ladies, there is life after a divorce. Maybe its not the life you had envisioned but, it is yours just the same. I look back over the past several months and reflect... For 30 years I was a wife, mother and grandmother. I had been everything to everyone but not someone to myself. I was married to an alcoholic who was abusive. I always thought I could fix it. Over the past several years it had gotten worse. Then back on the cold January, I learned he had a secret life style. And no it was not with another women. Talk about a world crashing at your feet. But at the same time the puzzle pieces where now making sense.
Friends had worried about me for years and stood by my side. They never told me what to do but, said when I was ready they would be there. They knew I had to make the choice for myself or it would not be right, or at the right time. I am sure part of me was in denial for so many years. As I mentioned before as a women/mother we think we can fix anything. But the 1st person to fix is ourselves. I was slowly detaching myself from this marriage. We had made promises and vows to each other. "For better or worse sickness and health." You had dreams of growing old with this person. However, a person you should not be subject to abusive, verbally, emotionally, physically and isolation.This is not a marriage. I seen the promises fade or repeatedly broken. So I knew I had to let him go.
I have reflected some of my months during this journey.
The day/night that changed my world.
I had been to town earlier that day and spoke to my priest. About the discovery of the items I had found regarding his secert life that day. Over the past years, months, weeks and days things had accelerated I was really getting scared. I slept many nights on the sofa or in another room with 1 eye and 1 ear open. I was a mess!
That night he came home about 7:30 PM by 9:30 PM I had confronted him with the discovery of the stuff I found about his secert life. The verbal and physical abuse had begun and he was throwing items at me. He pushed,shoved and was even struck at one time. His drinking had become the worst I had seen. All of a sudden I happened to catch in the corner of my eye a glass dish flying at me. I ducked in time. Don't know where the strength came from but, I went straight to the phone and called 911. The whole time I asked God to watch over my back. I don't even recall dialing the numbers. After making the 911 call I knew there was no turning back now. This was it!
How can I do this? It is scary! I have never been on my own for over 30 years. But I remember I am a strong person and I have choices. The choice I make now over the next few days, weeks, months, and years will change my world and the person I am destined to become.
Where do I start. I'd asked myself. I made lists ,and lists and lists again, of what I needed to get done and how I was going to do it. Trust me I had not slept for about 3 days now.
Ladies this is not my complete. It was my start!
Next morning:
1 Meet with again with priest/minister
2. Find an Attorney
3. File Papers for divorce
4. Close out Joint accounts
5. Contact Utility companies change things over to your name so he can't shut things off on you.
6. He would be out of jail in few days and needed to obtain have an Order for Protection.
7. Meet with a women's advocate the sheriff's office had given to me.
8. Talk with an counselor
9. Schedule a health exam.
I felt my life was becoming a mass of phone calls, tissue boxes, lists everywhereI went and with no sleep. My mind was rambling. I would make Phone calls, and more phone calls to offices to see what I had available to me. I had never done this before. Friends would suggest things to do as well.
Day Two:
1. Meet with attorney and she took my case and my request for Order of Protection.
2. Hearing was in 1 day and he would be arrained and out jail. I was scared and did not want to go to court alone. I had a women's advocate and my attorney by my side.
3. Utilities are secure and changed over to my name so when he got out he could not shut them off on me. It was in the middle of winter.
Day Three:
His arrigement and Order of Protection hearing. I was granted for 6 months. Divorce papers served at same time. I was amazed he agreed to divorce that day and only thing left was to work out finincal details later. I was not expecting to have this happen all in 3 days.
Rest of the Month:
Sorting out stuff:
Where do you begin. You had 30 years of items and memories to sort through. The most obvious was to divide our personal items or things that had been in his or my family. I made the decision I was going to do the right thing here! I found stuff he never had on a list that belong to his family and made sure to include them on a reply list back.
This was not the time to punish, take my anger or hurt out. I had to tell myself I was going to the right thing after all "I was married for 30 years and how would I want this to be remembered. As a wife and mother that destroyed his stuff or took all of it. "NO! " I boxed and moved my personal items, my family items and items I had brought into prior to the marriage.
I split out the dishes, pots and pans, towels, and even food etc. Friends would tell me to take it all!But I knew in my heart by doing it this way I could feel better and know I did the right thing. After all I wanted my life back and I wanted to be alive!
Our daughters are grown and no matter what age your children are it is hard when parents divorce. I never told them everything that had been going on over the years and how the puzzle pieaces where now making sense in our marriage as this was between their father and myself. So in the beginning it was hard and stressful.
Month 2:
Looking for a new place to live. I knew I did not want the house and I need to be able to afford things on my own. Now the never ending search for a new place to live. Once again phone calls, appointments to view and 2nd viewings. The completion of application begins, with all the paperwork. To arrange for new utilities or the transfer of some to a new location with end and start dates.
Back to sorting: By now I had almost everything boxed and marked and tagged. I felt I was living in a maze of boxes with a tiny path around my span of 30 years. I had crossed very emotion possible laughing, crying, angry, denial. I would come across an item or photo or card memories would trail in the good ones and the not so good ones. Each day I kept telling myself this will soon end and I will be in my new place. With new wallsto look at and a new start on my terms!
The Move:
I had a wonderful church and group of friends who pitched in and moved me. I had it all organized so they just needed to load and unload. During the day we had 2 flat tires on the trailer and worried it was going to start to snow or rain. I immediately got on the phone and called family and church and requested a prayer chain.. I did not want anyone hurt with this trailer on the side of the road or injured while changing tires as it was fully loaded. We made it 4 hours later, new tires and on our way.
New Place:
For the 1st time in months I was able to get some good nights sleep. I knew I was SAFE and I was ready to start my new life. That night I had to chuckle. For the first time in 49 years I had a bedroom of my own! Looking back I had always shared with siblings, roommates, or my husband. It may sound so silly but it was amazing!
Future:
Yes, we are still sorting out financial stuff, a few road blocks along the way. I have had some new health challenges during these past months. Cancer being one of them. His attorney withdrew from his case (go figure). But I am very optimistic about all of it. The legal system may take time but it all comes out in the end.
Just this past few weeks after 6 months I was awarded spouse support, possession of some of our property. Don't miss understand there is still some things to work through. Also I received a renewal of my Order of Protection now for 1 year. But I have my life back and feel safe and the rest is just paper stuff to deal with and get through.
From what friends and family tell from time to time my ex is still drinking and will not reach for help. However, he is the only one that can do this for himself. I pray each day he will find the peace to reach and get the help he needs. Remember the first step is letting GO!! Which is what I had discovered and did by letting him go.
New Journey:
Over the past 7 months I have began to live my life on my terms, and surround myself with the type of people I care about and enjoy being around. My family church, and old friends are dear to me , without them in the beginning I wondered where it all was going to end. They listened, offered suggestions and moral support when I asked or needed it.
I have been blessed in the new phase of my life with my friends, family, church, along with expanding my circle of friends. Some are there to hold my head when I have been so sick, take me to my chemo treatments and fix me chicken soup. Others call to chat or stop in for coffee. Some I meet for dinner, take walks together, or share a movie and/or even some quiet time. Some live many miles away or across county but the sound of their friendly voice on the other end of the phone tells me I am surely blessed!
Ladies, take each day one day at a time. It can be a little overwhelming in the beginning. But remember you only need to get through today right now. Have goals. Write them down. Cross them off as you do them small or big.Seeing them in black and write helps and its agreat feeling to cross them off the list!
But remember as others have made a difference in your life extend that to the next person you meet or may need you. Your life will be rewarding 10 times full. DO GOOD ANYWAY!!!
Just don't forget to Dance Along The Way.!!!
A native of the Midwest farm country in Iowa, Marcia Chumbley has lived in a number of locations. She has resided in Chicago, Illinois; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; and Minneapolis, Minnesota., Living in rural and metropolitan areas taught Marcia to always look for the best opportunities each community could offer. She now lives in a rural area of Minnesota that has a small city flare and closeness to the land.
Marcia’s work experiences outside the home include over 30 years in the medical and insurance field in manager, investigator and administrative roles. She has also worked as a contract administrator for a world wide security company. Marcia has work in the corporate world outside of her home and has various home based businesses over the years. She holds a degree in business management and is CMOM certified.Marcia is the founder and publisher of a Christian Work From Moms and Grandparents web site “Faithful Grannies.com”, Work At Home Divas Online for Boomers, Crafters and Stay At Home Moms, and Work At Home Moms Choices-WAHM Choices.com . She is a well known published and featured author through out the internet.
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