Shelley Grieser - I am a Christian Life Coach specializing in Broken Marriages/Divorce. I work with people all across the country who are on their journey of recovery from divorce, to empower them to create a future they truly desire.
Going through a divorce is extremely painful. As I walk alongside a good friend of mine who is currently going through a divorce, I am reminded of the additional pain often experienced by hurtful words spoken or exchanged between spouses.
Amazing isn't it when you are on the outside of the situation you can see it so clearly. But when you are in the middle of the situation, on the receiving end of the hurtful words, you can find yourself deeply offended, even when you know the accusations are not true.
For example, my friend's husband has told her on more than one occasion that she is "a worthless human being." My friend is far from worthless. She is a very kind, caring and giving person. Also, she is a hard worker who has helped me with numerous projects around my home through the years. My friend knows she is not a worthless human being, yet to have her husband say that to her is heart breaking.
If you have been through a divorce, maybe you discovered that spouses can say some pretty mean things. For some people, if you reflect back you may realize your spouse had developed a habit of putting you down, with negative, demeaning comments. Over time you can easily start to believe the things that are said to you or about you, even when they are not true
I will never forget during my divorce when my husband and I were meeting with the mediator for our children. We were discussing one of the details for our parenting agreement and my soon to be ex-husband made some demeaning, derogatory comment to me. The mediator very sternly let him know that he was out of line and not to speak to me in that manner. She told him he was being disrespectful and his behavior was unacceptable.
For me, that was a real wake up call. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow! Maybe it's not just me. Someone else believes the way he treats me is disrespectful and unacceptable." It gave me a sense of validation for my feelings.
Since that day, my ex-husband continues to make belittling, critical comments to me in emails and/or in person. Although we have a fairly amicable relationship, the negative comments are still made. I am happy to say that after years of being treated this way, I have learned to brush it off more quickly.
If you experienced damaging, hurtful comments in your marriage, during your divorce or in your present relationship with your former spouse, are you aware of the false accusations? You may be so use to hearing them that you accept them as truth. Recognizing the lies and determining the truth may require help. You may want to speak with a good counselor, therapist, coach or trusted friend to help you sort through the comments made by your former spouse.
Here are a few suggestions for combating false accusations:
Recognize the untrue messages as false accusations.
Don't believe them. Don't allow your former spouse to push your buttons. When the words no longer elicit a response from you, they lose their power.
Replace the lie with a statement of truth. For example let's take my friend's situation. The next time her soon to be ex husband tells her she is a worthless human being, she can stop and say to herself; I am a worthwhile and valuable person. My friends and family love me and care about me.
Be patient with yourself. Realize it can take time to reprogram your response.
Don't take it personally. Understand if your former spouse feels guilty, jealous, angry or insecure about themselves they may speak critically of you to make themselves feel better.
Don't retaliate with the same behavior. Do not repay evil for evil.
If you need to vent, talk to a trusted friend. It is nice to have an understanding friend(s) that will listen to you and let you vent or talk through a situation when needed.
Make the decision to no longer believe the lies. It really does not matter what your former spouse thinks of you or says about you. I know hearing the words can be extremely hurtful and painful. Yet, you know the truth. Be the bigger person and do not partake in the verbal mudslinging.
Copyright 2009 Shelley Grieser All Rights Reserved.
Do you dread communicating with your former spouse? Do you cringe every time you have to be in their presence, fearing what snide remark they will throw your way? Do you wonder how you will survive the next number of years having to communicate with your former spouse? If you are interested in reading more about divorce recovery, transitioning from married to single, and rebuilding your life after divorce, then please visit me at: http://www.ahopefilledfuture.com
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